Monday, August 22, 2011

How to Survive U.S. Cops

by Len Hart, The Existentialist Cowboy

Until police 'hot dogs' and taser fetishists are brought to heel, I propose some survival hints that might help keep you alive in the face of rising police thuggery, goonery, idiocy, and hot-doggery:
  1. Never go out at night alone; always bring a witness!
  2. Never go out in the daytime alone; always bring a witness!
  3. Never go to the toilet alone; always bring a witness!
  4. Never go anywhere unless you have back-up following you at 20 paces or so with a camcorder so that when you are assaulted or murdered, there will be a record of it!
  5. If you are cross-eyed and drool, do NOT look at a cop! He will think you're making fun of him!
  6. When COPS are near, try your best to look like a Republican i.e, look stupid!
  7. Don't look 'black' even if you are white; don't ever say 'bro' or 'get down wit yo' bad self' unless you want to get the shit beat out of you and/or dumped off a bridge.
  8. Carry a copy of the Wall St Journal or the Washington Times but don't use it to wrap a cod. It could be mistaken for a .357 with gills.
  9. Perfect a 'neutral', expressionless face. Emotion of any kind is a threat!
  10. Never mention that you have read Thoreau or Sartre! Do you want to die?

SEATTLE -- Seattle police are investigating what they call an assault of an officer in South Seattle. However, a police officer is seen punching a 17-year-old girl in the face during the incident captured by a video camera on Monday.

According to Seattle police, the incident began when an officer spotted a man jaywalking in the 3100 block of Martin Luther King, Jr. Way S. at approximately 3:10 p.m. The man was some 15 feet away from a pedestrian overpass, police said.

The officer was talking to the man when he saw four young women jaywalk across the same street at the same spot. The officer asked the women to step over to his patrol car, but the women were being "verbally antagonistic toward the officer," according to officials.

One of the women, later identified as a 19 year old, began to walk away from the scene despite the officer's instructions, prompting the officer to walk over to her and escort her back to his patrol car.
...
My two cents: there is absolutely no justification for so much as touching someone for having jay-walked! Police have a right to defend themselves --but against what? Death or severe injury resulting from someone jaywalking a block or more distant? Had the woman jaywalked or committed some 'ticketable offense', cops need only write her out a ticket, give her a chance to challenge in court should she choose to do so!

If cops don't wish to be videotaped being belligerent, utterly unprofessional, stupid, felonious, anti-Constitutional, then they should STOP being unprofessional, stupid, felonious, anti-Constitutional.

These low-rent assholes, brownshirt wannabes work for us! Perhaps we should start firing their sorry asses without retirement! Let them find a real job!

Now --any cop reading this, here's your assignment: write me 1,000 words on the following topic: PROBABLE CAUSE! Post it here! Don't even think about stealing it --that's crooked! And I can check it out online. Don't even think about trying to snow me. You will be graded!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Number 9 (play backwards!): "He had set his features into the expression of quiet optimism which it was advisable to wear when facing the [authorities]." Welcome to 1984, epitomized!

Peerless Cynic said...

This is one of the funniest pieces of yours I’ve read. Despite the satire, sadly, your list seems really accurate regarding how police behave towards the very people they are paid to protect. Anyway, well done.

Len Hart said...

Peerless Cynic sez...

...your list seems really accurate regarding how police behave towards the very people they are paid to protect.

Have had some experiences with cops. Some as a reporter; cops --though authoritarian --can be kiss ups. The worst thing about cops is this: some are simply NOT intelligent and, though they are sworn to uphold the law, few have a clue about what 'law' and 'the rule of law' are all about. It was, after all, the 'police mentality' that raided and burned down the Mt Carmel compound at Waco, killing 76 people including more than 20 children, two pregnant women, and the sect leader David Koresh.