How to Succeed in GOP Politics Without Really Trying

Rule number one: lie your ass off. Mitt Romney exemplifies this perfectly when he states that George W. Bush has kept us safe for six years. Romney, a practiced GOP liar, was not caught crossing his fingers. Learn from the masters and practice in front of a mirror like Ventriloquists.

It does not matter to you that terrorism is worse under Bush as it has been worse under every other GOP regime since WWII. Your goal is to exploit terrorism and get votes. And if you're going to exploit the issue properly check out FBI stats compiled by the conservative Brookings Institution. Those stats will prove what you, as a good gopper, must lie about: Terrorism is Worse Under GOP Regimes. Another story you must ignore is: The Heritage Foundation Picks a Fight with the Cowboy. Learn the facts and ignore them. Think about it: if terrorism should actually decrease, how the hell are you going to exploit it? Your assignment as a gopper, therefore, is to lie about this issue.

Forget Mr. Smith Goes to Washington! Mr. Smith talked about real issues. You must never do that. Real issues are reported by terrorist loving commies and (eeek!!!) liberals like the Huffington Post that dares to publicize a fact that, as a GOPPER, you must ignore or lie about: The Rich Are Getting Richer Faster. For a gopper, that's not an issue, it's a birthright as an elite.

If you wish to be a successful GOP candidate, you simply must get this through your head: it doesn't matter that the rich are not only getting richer but they are getting richer faster, presumably even faster than they did under Unca Ronnie Reagan who made them feel good about being greedy, ruthless bastards. What you really need to know to get their money into your coffers is a simple principle that even a gopper should understand: always promise more tax cuts. Clue: that's how you buy their vote. It's the perfect pay off. Therefore, always promise more tax cuts for the rich.

It worked for Ronald Reagan, the cue card reader, and it worked for George W. Bush who can't even read a cue card. Unca Ronnie didn't care that the tax cuts would not trickle down. He would be out of office or in the ground when the time came to pay the piper. Truthfully, the piper is being paid now. But Unca Ronnie is not around to take the heat, so don't sweat the small stuff. As a GOP candidate, what you want is a vote now! Mitt Romney understands this. That's why he repeats the same tired lie: Unca Ronnie's tax cut caused "the economy to soar!" Now --that's what goppers call knowing how to pull off the big lie. Learn it well and you too can be a successful gopper candidate!

Hold your nose and kiss up to the Religious Right --especially when the right is wrong. Pretend to be a God-fearin' Christian. Be seen in church! But don't fall asleep! If you are afraid you might, learn to sleep with your eyes wide open. It will appear that you are enraptured or having a religious experience.

Here's a technique that GWB has down pat: pretend to pray while grimacing or pulling weird faces that convey to fundies a "profound experience". If this is difficult, try imagining that you are constipated. This should come naturally for the mentally constipated GOP. Getting into character is the essence of method acting.

Give serious consideration to the proposition: why bother winning elections when you can steal them? Stealing an election eliminates guess work, makes your consultants look like geniuses, and gets you into a public office where you can steal a lot more than just votes! Comprende?

Subscribe to what goppers like to call a core "value". Sure, sure, it's all bullshit but, until you've looked at the research, you have no idea how many potential GOP voters will fall for it. It doesn't really matter what sins you commit or crimes you perpetrate if you have the votes to make it all legal after you've already done it. That works for Bush! Larry Craig, however, requires another strategy. He must be publicly contrite so that he can get back into the stall and do his foot taping "thing".

Don't waste time with issues. Smear your opponent instead. Corollary: it doesn't matter whether or not what you've said is true. Just keep repeating it. Eventually, you will come to believe it yourself. Goppers like to feel good about themselves even when they shouldn't.

Appeal to the lowest common denominator. Give the unwashed masses bread and circuses on the one hand, rob them of real jobs on the other. The last thing you want is a lot of working stiffs trying to join your country club. Keeping the riff raff out depends on how you perform. Making good on campaign promises doesn't matter as long as you can exploit a national emergency where all is either forgiven or forgotten, preferably forgotten. Make sure you get video taped in New Orleans --then get the hell outta there before you get your get your hands dirty or your feet wet.

Learn the art of lying from the master: Ronald Reagan. He managed to bankrupted the nation but millions still believe he was a fiscal conservative. Mitt Romney is still getting a lot of milage by raising Unca from the dead. It's bound to be worth a few votes and, if Huckabee manages to out lie him, he'll need everyone of them. Huckabee has learned his lessons well. On three occasions, he claimed to have had a theology degree. He didn't, then or now.

It doesn't matter that every big media conglomerate is now owned by corporate cronies of the GOP. That means that they are on your side, if and only if, you play their game, their way. Nevetheless, demonize the media! Let them take the heat for your screw ups! Put their feet to the fire. They will forgive you because they understand "the show". They're in on it, for cryin' out loud. The "folk", who don't understand "the show", will idolize you. With FOX on your side, who needs a PR firm?

At last, have your picture taken with Bush. If he's not available, a cardboard cutout is every bit as good!

Finally --learn how to kiss black babies and smile!

The Cowboy's Shared News Items

GOP
Politics
Credibility
Bush Corruption

Spread the word: